Summer. Ew.

I don't like to complain about the weather or hear others complain about the weather. Comment, yes; complain, no. Weather is just one of those life things that you can do nothing to change outside of changing your location. You just dress and behave appropriately and hope for the best.

But I can hold it in no longer: I loathe summer. 

Do not get incredulous and indignant with me. I realize that if you do not like the sun, surf, and sand, in America that you are perceived as some sort of inhumane monster. I get that you feel that way about me now. I'm cool with it. (And since we're on the topic, I also have little desire to vacation in tropical locals, generally speaking. Now I am truly a monster!)

Let me break it down for you.

1) I'm not a delicate female in the sense that I "glow"; I sweat. And it doesn't take much for me to break a sweat in the first place. All I need are the genes that my father so lovingly bestowed upon me. (I love you, dad!) So the summer exacerbates things into a nightmarish pool of sweat for me (slight exaggeration), and this is without humidity. 

2) I am not overly outdoorsy. Partly because of the reason above, but mostly because outdoorsy things aren't all that fun for me. So I'm not waiting on pins and needles for summer so I can "get out there" and "get my nature on," as the kids say. I like a good walk or hike in the fall or spring, when the air is crisp and fresh and cool. I also really like wearing sweaters. 

3) Mosquitos. You know, some people get bitten by mosquitos all the time but they have no reaction the the bites, and some people simply don't get bitten at all. Not only do mosquitos think I'm the most delicious human on the planet, but my reaction to the bites is severe and long lasting. We're talking swollen welts and itching to the point of distraction or pain for several days. 

4) Not only do I get a bit lethargic when I get overly hot, but I get even more crabby and unsociable than usual. Shocker, I know. And let me tell you, there is almost nothing I hate more than waking up in the middle of the night because my feet are too hot. It takes a 3 a.m. cold water foot soak to set them right again. Scumbag feet.

5) I don't like shaving my legs. It feels like such a waste of time, and having smooth legs doesn't make me feel prettier or sexier or whatever. But do you know what's more of a waste of time? Explaining myself and/or ignoring the almost terrified looks on people's faces as they ask you why or talk about it incessantly because they don't understand why in the world I don't like to shave my legs. So I shave them as little as possible in the summer to avoid the apparent social horror, but I almost never shave them in the winter. 

Well, today it's supposed to be 100 degrees (no exaggeration). To add insult to injury the A/C window unit in my room works only sort of, the rest of the house has no A/C, and the A/C in my car is done broked and not worth repairing in my jalopy of a car. These Perfect Storm conditions just might make this the day I get arrested for indecent exposure when I rip my clothes off Hulk style because I can no longer take the heat. Wish me luck.

This is me today. Via Hyperbole and a Half.

Now that I have made myself sound grumpy and physically repugnant, and now that my true feelings about summer are out in the world, I can move on. Thank you for being there for me, anonymous internet. You are the wind beneath my wings.

Update: Just found this .gif that explains my feelings perfectly. http://i.imgur.com/LYhJo.gif