5 Tips and a Rant about Men's Appearance

I have strong opinions. Shocker, I know. But I try to lay my thoughts in front of people as just opinions and keep the word “should” to myself. Who am I to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do, after all?

That being said, I still have my peeves that drive me crazy. And if you catch me on certain days at certain times and in a certain light, I might just should all over you.

For example, the other day a male acquaintance was justifying some clothes choices because it’s “easier” and he “doesn’t want to think about it.” He was wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and a hoodie on his way to a work meeting in a business casual office. 

Banana Republic: Pants, shirt, jacket, done.

Now, I'm not against a casual look. I wear hoodies as much as my activities allow. But he was going to a meeting that his boss, his boss’s boss and his boss’s boss’s boss were going to be at. His reasoning, and I almost quote, “It takes me about 2 minutes to get dressed: pants, shirt, jacket, done.”

I could not let this slide, because it would take the same time and it’s just as easy to put on a pair of non-denim pants, a button up and a better casual jacket or sports coat (Well, it’s just as easy if you have them in your wardrobe.)

In the end, I believe it’s all about the old “people fear what they don’t know” adage. He knows how do dress casually, and fear keeps him from doing otherwise.

But here’s the deal, it is comparatively so easy for men to improve their appearance. I’ll probably be eternally frustrated that most men (at least most American men) just won’t spend a one-time, relatively small time investment to figure out some lifetime knowledge regarding clothing that would absolutely not make getting dressed any more difficult or time consuming or less comfortable.

So here are five general beginning tips that aren’t overwhelming and scary for you men to improve their appearance.

1. Ask for help. A sales person’s job is to help you and most of them have a lot of experience and know what will fit you best. I used to be one myself, and I would take great relish in truly helping someone find something they look and feel good in. Bonus tip: If you’re super nice, many sales people will bend over backwards to get you what you need.

2. Wear slimmer pants. I did not say wear skinny jeans. (per se) What I mean is wear pants that fit and have a modern, slim cut. You may have to try on a few pair to find what size and style are for you, but that will potentially take you only 20 minutes in the right store. And if you like skinny jeans, go for it.

 

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3. Leave your gym shoes at the gym. There are plenty of choices that are just as comfortable but look infinitely better, from Vans to Italian leather.

 

Teva chukka built for comfort, looks good too.

4. Ask your wife or a trusted female friend. I bet you dollars to doughnuts that many have had thoughts about your appearance and can pull up viable choices that will not offend you in less than 3 minutes on the internet. However, I would leave moms out of this unless your mom is particularly in touch with modern styling.

5. Last, but not least, don’t underestimate the power of basic hygiene. I believe I speak for a fair number of women when I say that this is very important to how attractive you are to them. Here is a simplified list:

• Trim your nose hairs (we do)
• Pluck those stray hairs between your brows (we do)
• Keep your nails trimmed and clean (we do)
• There is no shame in face moisturizer, use it (we do)
• Use chapstick, don’t let your lips crack or peel (we don’t)
• If you can’t grow a beard, don’t grow a scraggly, wishful beard
• If you can and do grow a beard, shave your neck
• Bathe at least every other day (yes, many still must be reminded of this) 

I will happily address any specific questions you have about men’s styling, comment away.

Untimely Movie Review: "About Time"

Bill Nighy, Rachel McAdams, Domhnall Gleeson

Directed by Richard Curtis

Most Romantic Comedies are a dime a dozen. Cue the perfectly coiffed girl with optional awkward best friend meets tall, meaty man with optional "bro" friend(s). Insert gross misunderstanding that would be resolved in two minutes if they just talked to each other. End with a dramatic chase where boy catches girl right before she leaves town (or visa versa), and neither of them really apologizes or explains themselves, but they get to make-out as the camera moves to a wide, crane shot.

This neither resembles or represents anything in real life, and, as a matter of fact, it's not even good fantasy. 

Full disclosure: I partake in these shenanigans, especially if they're Hallmark Christmas movies, but that doesn't mean I don't recognize them for what they are. They are the over-stocked, low-quality products of Wal-Mart in the movie world.

Why am I ranting about this? Because "About Time" is decidedly not the the above-mentioned formula. "About Time" is the RomCom Gotham City deserves. (But maybe it should be a RomComDram.)

I'm sure any way I describe the film will sound sappy. You'll just have to trust me that it's not schmaltzy or cheesy. "About Time" is about finding happiness  and value in the ordinary days of living, which for most people are all the days of living. This takes form in one man's quest for happiness through his relationships with the love of his life, his father, and his sister mostly, with a few foray's into small acts of love and kindness with other people as well.

The first thing you must know is that there is time traveling in this movie. But miraculously, the time traveling is not the star of the film in any way shape or form. Plus the mechanics of the time travel is not complicated so it's not distracting. And while the main character can redo moments, days, and, in theory, his whole lifetime, the film never even has the sheen of a "Groundhog Day" situation. 

The next thing you need to know is that the movie is not about Rachel McAdams. I would go as far to say that she is barely a supporting character. Don't misunderstand me, I like McAdams and think she's a talented actor who is excellent in this film, but she is often cast as the center of attention, for lack of better phrasing.

But what's you really need to know about this movie is that it's beautiful and charming and heartbreaking and it feels realistic in feeling and how people work in and at relationships...aside from the whole time traveling thing.

I give it five stars up.

Top 5 Male Celebrity Eyebrows

Everyone can agree on who has the best mustache in the biz (Tom Selleck, obviously), but have you stopped to consider the best male eyebrows?

In fact, we should consider—nay, honor—eyebrows more than any fancy, full-bodied mustache, because eyebrows serve a higher purpose than mere frosting on the face. As proof, please consider a recent outcropping of websites that delight in showing you what celebrities look like without eyebrows.

At best, those images are slightly disturbing.

Aside from GrouchoMarx—whose iconic eyebrows were mostly drawn on—here are my suggestions for best eyebrows in the biz. I based my choices on thickness, shape, grooming and expressiveness. Who would you choose?

Peter Gallagher
This choice is a gimme, since most people already associate him with his eyebrows. They are naturally arched to perfection and uber thick, giving his eyebrows an A-list star quality.

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Dave Franco
Dave Franco, the for-now-less-famous younger brother of James Franco, gives Gallagher a run for his money. They are practically eyebrow doppelgangers, but Franco has the edge of being younger and more handsome. (Hey, even the best of us are “that shallow” at times.)

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Zac Posen
If you don’t follow fashion you’ve probably never hear of designer and regular “Project Runway” judge Zac Posen. But take a look at the nice point atop each substantial brow. Although they arch considerably on top, they are flatter on the bottom, which is perfect for a man brow. Only cartoons villains have high-arch eyebrows. I’m looking at you, Jafar.

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Lee Pace
Mr. Pace has what I like to call “caterpillar” eyebrows; they’re nice and fat and fuzzy with little arch. They give him an approachable look, which is great for the many sympathetic characters he has played. You can next view his eyebrows in high contrast and 3-D when he plays elven king Thranduil in “The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug.” But you won’t find much sympathy there.

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Stephen Colbert
Last, but certainly not least, let’s consider Stephen Colbert. What makes his eyebrows great is their bananas expressiveness. Sure, he’s got the thinner, arched eyebrow of a villain, but he doesn’t use them for evil, he uses them for good. Very funny good. With one timely flick of his eyebrow, Colbert makes the world a funnier place.

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Reasons I Wish to Marry

I need or want to go places at night, but I supremely hate driving at night

Jar loosening purposes
Companionship
For the jokes (because he’d have to be funny)

Someone to frame for my crimes

Sexy times
Financial and tax purposes

Foot warmer on cold winter nights

To dress up him up like a doll…a manly, tailored doll

Travel buddy

For someone to look after my as yet non-existent cat when I’m at work
To shut up the people who  ask me why I’m not married

Casting Agent

I've always fancied that I would make a great casting agent. At least I'm always casting stories that I'm reading, recasting terrible choices in existing movies, or making lists of actors in my head that would make believable siblings, be good foils, or have some sort of chemistry. (I don't get out much.)

Once I shared some casting ideas with a college professor, who was also a writer and stage director, and he was very impressed with my ideas. So based on my word that one person was impressed with one casting conversation we had, I'm pretty sure you all are convinced of my untapped casting talents.

If that's not enough evidence to convince you of my innate casting ability, which clearly it should be, I will tell you of my latest casting wish.  I wish it because a) they look similar enough to be related, b) they all are attractive to me on some level, and c) they all are skilled and talented actors brimming with charm. I don't have a story to cast them into, but they would make glorious brothers: Tom Hiddleston, JJ Feild, and Lee Pace.

So all you Hollywood execs or BBC producers who read this blog (none), please make this happen. And not just because these three in a movie together would make my ovaries explode.

Behold! (And you're welcome.)

Untimely Movie Review: World War Z

Introducing a new blog category: Untimely Movie Reviews! Let's be honest, I'm never on the edge of hip and happening. I usually come to the party a little late or not at all, because I don't care all that much any more. Mostly. But hey, I still have opinions, no matter how fashionably late they are.

Again, let me be honest. I'm sick to death of zombies. And I have been for a long while. That's mostly why I didn't want to see World War Z. That and my inexplicable distaste of Brad Pitt. It's weird. I almost never look forward to seeing him in a movie, but I'm also rarely disappointed in his performances. It's probably leftover "I'm not mainstream" feelings from when everyone lovey-love-loved Brad Pitt in the 90s because he was "so handsome," so my teen self felt as though I had to reject him completely. That and I never thought him particularly handsome. There's no accounting for teen brains.

Braaaaaains. (Perfect segue. Dismount!)

World War Z doesn't waste much time in starting with the action. You get about 4 minutes of a happy family morning scene, then immediately people start dying in hoards because of the fastest, freakiest, and weirdly-est contorting zombies ever represented in film. Not to mention the clicking. (You'll just have to see it.)

The intensity is brutal. Let me put it this way, every muscle in my body was so clenched the entire movie that I got the best workout I've ever had. (For context, I workout almost none times a year.)

But what was so great about the intensity aspect was that the director didn't constantly show graphic up-close shots of the violence over and over again. I don't mind violence in a movie, but if it's constantly repeated up-close violence, I get weary and burnt out during the film. Ultimately, if the story and action are good enough in the first place, you don't have to rely on gore to entertain. For instance, there is a scene in Z where Pitt takes out a zombie with a crowbar to the noggin. But I didn't have to see the entrance of said crowbar into the skull to know that it was gruesome. Even further, when Pitt has to tug and tug the crowbar out of the skull to defend himself against yet another zombie, I didn't need to see the crowbar exiting the skull for the incredible tension and suspense to be there. (And the director didn't show us the crowbar in the skull at any point.)

This "new" take on violence wasn't the only refreshing thing about the movie. I was surprised, and therefore delighted, with the lore and "the cure," for lack of a better thing to call it without giving too much away. I did guess where it was going somewhere in the middle of the movie, but it's still a nice departure from the zombie norms.

Also there was also not a character that I hated or that I thought was superfluous. Everyone had a purpose, and all were well written and acted. In fact, there is a female Israeli soldier that pushed the movie over the line from good to great for me.

(Side note: This is the first thing I've seen Peter Capaldi in since it was announced that he's the next Doctor Who. Based on even this very small role, I am now confident in his takeover.)

Lastly, I was struck by a strong undercurrent of themes of a) the safety and importance of family, and b) how family is defined by that feeling of safety and protection. Basically, if World War Z comes true, just remember that we're all in this together.

The non-up-close violence and lack of swears is what kept this movie at PG-13, but I certainly wouldn't recommend that any 13-year-old should see it.

Rating: 4 stars up, but proceed with caution.

P.S. This movie is based on a book, and I'm on the library's waiting list, so I'll let you know how it stacks up when I get my turn.

Click, click, click.

An Open Letter to the Group of 4 Moms on the Train with 12 Kids Under 6 Years Old

Dear Moms,

I get it. You've each had three kids, one right after the other, and sometimes you want to get the hell out of Dodge. But when you all trooped onto the train and sat right behind me, I knew that I didn't want to sit next to 12 toddlers and infants for an hour. So instead of huffing or rolling my eyes and giving you dirty looks, I moved my seat to give both you and myself space. For some reason, and based on what followed, that seemed to offend you and inspire forced immersion therapy.

First, one of you left your seat on the upper deck to come down to the lower deck and change your baby's diaper across the aisle from me, directly on the seat, without some sort of cover or pad, which can't be sanitary. And your baby absolutely screamed the whole time. I can only assume that either the seats by your group in some way had inferior surfaces on which to change your baby, or I offended you enough to seek me out and force the presence of your...blessings upon me.

With that noise- and smell-mare over, two stops later the whole lot of you inexplicably shambled your way down to the first deck and again sat right next to me. One baby continually moaned while the kids who could walk then began to run up and down the aisle touching everything, including me. Again, I get it, they're kids. But I also get that you as a parent are responsible for your children (no matter how overwhelmed you are), and I also get my limits. Which is why I chose to move in the first place. So I once again switched my seat, this time walking to the other side of the train car and sitting in an already populated area in order to avoid any other misunderstanding about my desire to wallow in your children.

Here's the thing, not everyone loves kids based on the fact that they are kids. Not everyone thinks your kids and precious and infallible.  Some of us think your kids are loud and gross, and we will not excuse your kids from being unruly on the basis that they are "just kids."  Some of us believe that as a parent--who has chosen to not only have, but to rear children--you are responsible for their behavior and discipline, and we will not treat you like you're some sort of superior being with endless get-out-of-jail-free cards because you have kids.

I know that it is socially unacceptable to not only voice these opinions, but merely to have them in the first place. However in my experience, parents assume that their children to be precious to everyone. But here's the deal. I will not harm your children ever, I will even help or protect a child that is in danger, but I don't see how that means I should tolerate your complete disregard for other human beings on the basis that "kids will be kids."

I know you're busy and tired. Maybe you even feel that since having kids you have been banned to the Island of Misfit Toys and you want to make appearances in society in order to grasp at whatever you think you lost when you had kids. But we all make our choices, and choices always come with consequences. In your case the consequences of corralling wee ones are temporary, but don't make your consequences become my problem, and I will do the same.

Sometimes it's a conscious effort to not yell at your kids or say mean things to them when they touch me with their sticky hands or scream like a pterodactyl in enclosed spaces for no apparent reason. I honestly try to not give you dirty looks as you lollop around public places all glassy eyed and unaware that there are other people around you as your kid sneezes on me or  I step on your kid because they aimlessly amble in front of me. I do my best to veer away or simply change my seat without rebuke.

Please understand that my actions are a white flag of peace that I'm desperately waving so I don't have to deal with your kids, and so you don't have to deal with...whatever happens when I break.

Best wishes,
Martha