Saying Stuff Wrong

"Use what language you will,
you can never say anything but what you are."
               Ralph Waldo Emerson

A long while ago a FB friend posted an article called "10 Words That You Mispronounce That Make People Think You're an IDIOT" by Justin Brown for Primer. I delight in lists like this, but not necessarily in the way the author delighted in writing his article to proclaim his superiority over all people who have dialects that aren't his own.

Don't get me wrong, I will usually do whatever I can to assert my superiority over other people, but it's mostly in a backdoor way with sarcasm and jokes. That way not everyone catches on that they are my inferior and they can maintain their self-esteem without me losing dominance and power. Kidding. Mostly. But in the interest of full disclosure, I admit that I used to be more like Mr. Brown. I used to feel angry at people who said things "wrong"; I used to feel smug and superior that I "knew better" and was therefore "smarter" than they were. Oh, me.

Hello, my name is Martha, and I'm a recovering language snob.

The most glaring problem Mr. Brown seems to have is that he does not take into account dialects, idiolects, and language development, not to mention the perfectly explainable linguistic reasons why some of these innocent pronunciation mistakes happen. For example, cochlear is about the only word in English that is structured like nuclear, and the consonant cluster in this setting is on the difficult side for an English speaker. The simple fact is that it's much easier to physically articulate noo-cue-lar, so it's a rather easy pronunciation mistake to make and adopt, especially within certain English dialects.

Sure, some things are out and out mistakes. Many people say things they've only heard and have not seen in writing (I'm looking at you girl in high school who said ackleast [at least] and the Entire State Building [Empire State Building]), and sure, it's hard not to scoff a little (or a lot) at those mistakes. But why do we have to get our knickers in a twist over it? Can't we just politely correct or teach people (only when appropriate) and move on? Do we have to be insulting and dictatorial? Can't we all just get along?

The hard fact is that there are awful biases against some dialects, and people often feel compelled to change their dialects to find success in their careers. This world and the lives we lead are hard enough, so it's kind of terrible that so many feel shame about how they have been raised to speak. After all, each of us were raised speaking a dialect that clearly communicates and is valid within our varying speech communities. (I'm sorry mom and dad for gibing you about your Canadianisms and your ruralisms, respectively.) 

I'm not saying that we should throw out all rules and standards in language, in fact I think they hold a heavier importance in written communication, but maybe we could all relax a little and enjoy the variety and differences that language adds to our own unique personages. To me the best part about English is that it's especially malleable. We have a lot of language options that do nothing to disrupt clear communication. Meaning that we have borrowed so much structure and words from other languages that we generally have more creative ways of expressing ourselves and playing with language than so many other languages. So work with it, love it.

In the end I wouldn't have minded Mr. Brown's list if I believed he truly wanted to educate people. Instead he's borderline to actually insulting in his attempt to shame people into his ideal. 

P.S. I don't think I've heard anyone say prerogative the way Mr. Brown prescribes. Bobby Brown might 100% culpable. 

Cologne the Smell, Not the City

The other day I was walking to our local college campus when I was attacked. By cologne. It was not an up close and personal confrontation, the offense came from at least 40 feet away. You would think that walking 40+ feet behind a young fellow would dissipate the odor of his Axe body spray to a tolerable level. Not so, dear friends, not so. In fact, I could no longer smell the whole season of spring around me, just cologne. The really scary part is that the odor was dissipated when I smelled it, so if I were talking to him face-to-face, I would have lit-er-ally died from his cologne directly punching my olafactories who would have then taken it out on my brain by punching its death center. Little known fact: all olafactories have a lot of anger and a score to settle with the brain.

I half remember once reading on the ol' reliable internet that a woman's sense of smell is at least twice as sensitive as a man's. (Real research not required.) This most likely means that a man puts on enough cologne so he can smell it, which ends up being an overpowering, stomach-turning smell to many women. In other words it's a giant turnoff. Are you listening men? Sometimes cologne repels rather than attracts women.

I am not against all cologne wearing per se, and I'm certainly all for bathing and deodorant, but if you think about it, it's a little strange how many manufactured odors we apply to ourselves: shampoo, soap, body wash, lotion, deodorant, hair product, perfume, aftershave, cologne. I don't know what this says about us as humans. Maybe it's a carryover from the times when bathing was considered unhealthy, so perfumes were used to cover the stink that would ensue. Maybe it's a way to raise ourselves above the unwashed masses, because we're afraid of being the unwashed masses. But do we really find ourselves so unacceptable that we even have to "improve" the way we smell to the nth degree?

The point is, men, that so many of you wear too much cologne. If you can smell it on yourself, it's probably too much. Do us all a favor and cut back a little. Or a lot. Or all the way. Ask a trusted female friend—probably one who has put you in the Friend Zone because you wear too much cologne—to help you figure out the non-criminal amount of cologne for you. And remember, some of us (and our allergies) don't want you to wear cologne, because we think you smell just great without it.

Rant: Bad Pedestrians

I live in a large college town, so there are loads of pedestrians. But they're not savvy pedestrians that you'd find in a large city like NYC. No, the pedestrians in college towns are more like entitled cattle. They mosey into the street with thoughts not unlike a cow's.

"What are cars?"

"I'm not in danger, I'm a cow. Who would hurt a cow?"

"I'm going to eat AND talk to my friend cow on my cell phone AND walk across this busy street."

"I see how close you are car, but I'm going to step into the street anyway, make you screech to a stop, and walk as slowly as possible, maybe even stop to tie my shoe, for I AM COW!"

Do college pedestrians have no sense of self-preservation or even self-awareness? Let's face it, there are bad drivers and responsible drivers, but not one perfect driver. And if the driver is distracted or makes a mistake and collides with a pedestrian, who do you think will have bruises, road rush, gashes, and broken bones in the best case scenario? But if pedestrians are aware of their surroundings, it can only help their chances of reaching their destination injury and death free.

So my dear pedestrians, it will never hurt to look both ways (even in a crosswalk), to put your call on hold so you can pay attention, to be aware if a car is too close to stop, or to even do a courtesy jog and wave when a car stops for you.

Rant complete. For now.